


Kiss Me Goodbye

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set following Wheels</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss Me Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810) and [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836)

The world makes absolutely no sense anymore. She knew that things were going to change, after all that had been the point of all of her recent actions, but she had no idea of the magnitude of the change that would occur. She is aware that she has always been a little egocentric; it was a necessary part in the making her successful and popular, but even she was not self-centred enough to think that she could fall from grace and still be important. It had never occurred to her that her actions would not occur in isolation. She had thought she could change and that the puzzle pieces around her would remain the same but she seems to have set off a chain reaction that has altered the whole jigsaw

There are some things have gone according to plan, she did manage destroy everything that was Quinn Fabray. Unfortunately that failed to deliver the satisfaction she had anticipated. She had been convinced that if she let everything crumble she would be free. Beauty, popularity and success are considered positive and desirable attributes but for her they had created a prison. Her own little shiny glass cell where everyone admired her whilst secretly hating her and fantasying about her demise. She gave them their fantasy and foolishly believed that in doing so all of problems would go away. She wanted it all gone. She wanted the notoriety, the status, the pressure and the scrutiny to disappear. _She_ wanted to disappear.

It seems that although succeeded in eliminating the popular cheerleader she has failed to become invisible. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted a chance to find out who she was, who she wanted to be, without having to worry about the eyes of the world and instead she seems to be more visible than ever. Invisible people don’t get slushies thrown in their face. Invisible people aren’t the source of blog fodder. Invisible people don’t have two boys vying for their affection when they really want none.

Maybe if she weren’t in Glee club she wouldn’t be so noticeable. If she were stronger she would have cut that final cord, quit Glee, and really have become a nobody. However it seems that as much as she wants to fall she’s not brave enough to do it without a net. Her parachute of disabled misfits and losers isn’t her safety equipment of choice but it is all that she has left to hold onto and so she will bear the burden of being a Glee kid. Some of the resulting problems are easier to deal with than others. She is used to being talked about and she tells herself that it’s better that at least now people are willing to bitch to her face. Speculations that the Cheerios chances have been ruined by her eviction from the squad don’t bother her either. Not one of them stood by her or objected to her ousting and she sort of hopes that they will lose. The Finn and Puck scenario is a whole other issue though.

She is trying so hard to be a better person, trying to be someone who deserves to be with Finn. Sure Finn is as useless as a bag of wet sheep and dumb as a box of hammers but he is good and he is loyal and he is striving to do right by her even though she is nothing but mean to him. She wants to be good to him. She wants to feel something other than angry and empty when she is with him. She wants him to look at her the way that he looks at Rachel. Actually if she’s honest she mainly just wants him to stop looking at Rachel. It was hard enough having to sleep with Puck to keep him from Rachel she doesn’t want to have to sleep with her boyfriend too.

The situation with Puck is confusing her no end. She’s not attracted to him, hell she barely even likes him and yet she finds herself flirting with him. There is no logical explanation for what she is doing and she finds herself blaming the baby. Perhaps there is some weird biological drive that prevents you from hating the father of your child and pushes you to form a family unit. Although it may be something simpler than that, it could just be that if she is with Puck then she can make Finn hate her and one of her shackles will be released. She does know that she would hate herself if she were with Puck but she already has that base covered so she doesn’t have much to lose.

She knows she can’t keep her daughter. It hurts to know that it’s a girl. It would be easier if she could just think of it as an alien parasite that has taken hold of her body. Instead she finds herself making a list of names for the creature and spending hours thinking about what her little girl will look like. She wonders what it would feel like to hold her, to watch her take her first step, to watch her grew. Sometimes it’s almost too painful to think about and she tells herself that at least she won’t have to watch her child fuck up her life the way she fucked up hers.

There is this incredibly strong force telling her to nest and constantly reminding her that she has two candidates available whom most girls would kill to be with. Clearly she is not most girls. Her drive and ambition may have deserted her of late but she hopes that one day they will return and when they do she knows that she will want more out of life than to be a young mother who married a guy straight out of high school. She already resents Finn and Puck and can’t imagine how much hatred she could produce if she actually let herself marry one of them.

She won’t pretend that she doesn’t consider a hate-filled, soul destroying marriage to be an option at times. In fact she thinks about it often and it is part of the reason that she strings the boys along. In some ways it is better than some of the alternatives and it has to be better than what her heart and body seem to want. She wishes she had more control over things. She doesn’t want to have to watch Rachel Berry being divalicious in her sing-off with Kurt and find herself melting inside. It scares her that she knows who she will vote for before they begin to sing. She can be a class A bitch at times but Quinn doesn’t want to have any part in breaking the other girl’s heart.

The broody part of her knows that Rachel is an even poorer choice than either Finn or Puck; the girl doesn’t even know how to bake. What the hell is the point in her being attracted to a girl if the girl can’t even cook for her? Besides she can hardly make herself invisible if her life becomes about rainbow flags and gay pride floats. Unfortunately there is a large part of her that is not broody and apparently not forward planning and it can not seem to stop thinking about Rachel Berry. She seems to be able to ignore the straggly hair and the eyebrows that need a more professional sculpt and instead focus on those large brown eyes that sparkle with hope and dreams. Eyes that she feels she could drown in. Eyes that she could maybe even find herself in.

She hates how helpless she is and that she needs others to make money for her and her child. She does wonder why no-one is yelling at her about getting a herself job but she spends less time thinking about that than she does pondering why it is that even though she needs the money she feels trapped by having Finn and Puck try to get it for her. They are really only doing what she asks of them, what she wants them to do, and yet she feels totally suffocated. It annoys her that she finds the boy’s efforts controlling and domineering and yet when she learns that Rachel orchestrated Finn’s new found employment it seems like the most romantic thing that has ever happened in her life. She realises that she is in more trouble than she thought if she can see Rachel doing something for her boyfriend as noble and even manage to convince herself that Rachel did it for her.

There really is nothing in her life that is at it should be. She can not begin to comprehend how she could find legitimate enjoyment doing a dance routine in a wheelchair and yet when they finally get it together she actually feels happy. It’s a cheesy happiness that she is sort of embarrassed about but it is happiness none-the-less. Although it could be that it’s just a sugar high. Now that she isn’t a Cheerio anymore she is less strict about her intake and she seems to have a real weakness for Puck’s grandmother’s cupcakes.

After the practice she is in the locker room hunting through her bag for the cupcake that she is sure is in there when she finds herself alone with Rachel Berry. Rachel is staring at her strangely and she is busy searching her brain for an appropriate insult to hurl at her when her body takes on a mind of its own. Her arm extends and she finds herself offering her precious cupcake to Rachel.

“It’s ok I’ve already had three today.” Just when she didn’t think she could be anymore besotted with the girl Rachel goes and declines the treat that she didn’t want to part with and she is overcome by a wave of warmth. Again she finds herself acting outside of her control as she breaks the cake in half. This time her offer is met with, “Thank you.”

“I know what you did.”

Rachel gives her a confused look and sits down on the bench next to her, “What what would you be talking about cause I do a lot of things. Most of them irritating apparently.”

“You shouldn’t worry what Artie thinks.”

“So I’m not irritating.”

“Oh no you are very irritating,” Rachel’s face falls in response to her words. “I just think it’s part of your charm.”

“You think I have charm?”

And now she finds herself in dangerous waters, “You have some moments. Like when you got Finn that job.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Sweetheart you can try all you want to win over my boyfriend but if it helps me I am a big enough person to say thank you.”

“Why would even talk to me if you know I like Finn?”

She shrugs, “I don’t really have many people to take to anymore, I can’t be pissing off the few who will.”

“So the great Quinn Fabray needs me?” Rachel says amazed.

“We all have needs,” she replies softly and there is a part of her that dies a little as she realises that Rachel will never know how much she needs her.

Those brown eyes grow wider than she has ever seen them, “There are people that are here for you.”

She shakes her head in denial and feels Rachel’s hand cover hers. “Why are you nice to me?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I have never been nice to you.”

Rachel smiles, “If I ruled out everyone who wasn’t nice to me I’d have no-one to talk to. I guess we are both desperados in the friendship stakes nowadays. If you need any tips I’ve had years of practice.”

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind,” she punctuates her words buy turning her hand over and squeezing Rachel’s. Rachel gives her hand a small squeeze in return but then rapidly disengages. 

Rachel looks like she can’t wait to get out of the room, “Anyway I really have to go. I left my wheelchair unattended and I find that any time I do that someone coats it with something sticky that I don’t want to try to identify.

She feels her heart constrict but plasters a smile on her face, “Ok.” Rachel scampers out of the room as though she’s been burned. It may not have gone as she would have wanted but of all the mistakes that she’s made lately the one she least regrets is that for a few brief seconds, whoever the new Quinn is, she was brave enough to hold Rachel Berry’s hand. In the scheme of things it’s not very much at all and yet to Quinn it means the world.


End file.
